A Place for Pain

Only a Woman: This Place in History

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A week ago, I wrote about the questions I’m wading through as a woman. “See, this place in history, in MY history as well as in our collective history, is tearing at the soul of woman.”

And then, this week I read this post from Ann Voskamp:

 What the News isn’t telling You & Why We Can’t Afford to Pretend It’s Not Happening [Sozan’s Impossible Choice — and Our Very Possible One] | A Holy Experience.

My initial reaction was heartbreak. An ache -for these girls, these mothers- that cannot be bottled up in language.

And what followed was a deep frustration that we are, that I am, asking questions about if women should preach or lead or have ambition while across the world and down the street little girls are being ripped open.

But, the questions of a woman’s worth, a woman’s ambition, a woman’s place in leadership matter because those little girls matter.

See, what we believe for our sisters in America, must also be what we believe for the little girl in Iraq. If you believe that your sister, your daughter, your friend, should have an opportunity to live in the fullness of who she was made to be, to follow her dreams, to be honored for the wisdom and ideas and creativity she brings to the world, then that should spill over to the girls in Iraq and Haiti, and Kenya, and India who are being bought and sold.

And the opposite is true as well. If we don’t think it is worth fighting for the little girl in Iraq, if she isn’t valuable enough to move us to action, then we have made evident what we believe about the worth and the place of a woman. If a sweet 9-year-old can be treated like property and ripped open and sewn up over and over and we look away, then we cannot honestly say we think women have value and should be allowed to pursue dreams.

And even beyond the church, if as women we want to demand the freedom to love who we want, pursue the careers that we want, do what we choose with our bodies, but we won’t fight the same battles for our sisters who cannot fight for themselves, we are the most pitiful and useless of warriors.

I don’t agree with every battle women are fighting. I don’t agree with every choice every woman makes. I cannot definitively say I am certain of the right answers. But, I do believe that every woman is beautifully and intentionally created by God and as such has an intrinsic, immeasurable worth and we cannot sit silent while our daughters are suffering.

Only A Woman

A Place for Pain, Leadership, Risk, The Single Life, We The Church View all 3 comments

Joy Williams recently released a song, “Woman (Oh Mama)”. It’s a tribute to womanhood and while I prefer her earlier music, there is a line in her new single that perfectly describes how I am feeling at this moment.

“I am The Universe wrapped in skin.”

The universe is full of mysteries that will never be solved. It is complex, containing great big wondrous creations and tiny intricate slivers of life. It is full of light and dark. The universe is in constant motion but contained in the stillness of space.

I am the universe.

I want to speak honestly here, but I confess that I am afraid. I am afraid of what you might think. I am afraid that I might seem weak. Still, I know I am not alone in the place where I kneel. I know there are others with the same aches, same questions. So it is with fear and trembling, yet with humility and strength that I let my heart bleed out into my words.

You see, this past week, leading up to Mother’s Day, my tiny world was flooded with questions of a woman’s place.

I preached a sermon, my first, this past Sunday and it went well. I believe that God spoke through me, that He used me to say things that my church family needs to hear. But, I grew up in a tradition, different than the one I find myself in now, that taught me that men are preachers and pastors and leaders of the church. Women lead women and children and never men. So I wrestle with my place at the pulpit even when I’m sure the words in my mouth are from The Father.

Two days prior to my inaugural sermon, I came across a post from someone I respect that reiterated what I’d learned in my youth about women taking the pulpit. Doubt flooded my mind and heart. And the questions wrapped around my throat. More than “What is my place?”, the questions were “Woman. Who am I?” With prayer, and knowing I stood also in the support of many Godly men and women, the waters of doubt subsided and I spoke in the authority of The Spirit on Sunday.

Still, I’d be lying if I said I am certain now of where I stand as a woman.

And it wasn’t only my own questions. I had conversations with two students last week about women in leadership. Women in marriage. Women in life. They came to me, with hearts laid open. Looking for wisdom. Asking for a sounding board. Offering the pearls formed by the questions turning over in their minds. And I told them what I know. And I told them what I think. And I told them what I wonder.

See, this place in history, in MY history as well as in our collective history, is tearing at the soul of woman. On one side, the quest for equality is being blamed for the fall of mankind. But on the other, the strength of woman is being lauded as the missing piece finally found. From one voice I respect, “why women should not preach” and from another, “why shouldn’t they?“.

And then there was this:

“As a man gets more powerful and successful, he is better liked. As a woman gets more powerful and successful, she is less liked.”

And that makes women fear growth. As a single woman, it feeds the fear that if I continue to follow my ambition, my desire to grow into the things God has wired into my soul, that I will outgrow the possibility of ever being desirable to a man. It’s a lie. It must be. Men surely cannot be so intimidated or turned off by a woman following her dreams that he can only imagine life with a woman who has done nothing but wait for him to show up.

And yet, that is the lie that is fed to us so often.

And here I find myself, wrestling with these questions, this place in history ripping holes in the universe of my soul. I do not yet fully grasp who I am as a woman. Who I am meant to be. Where I am to stand.

Here is what I know:

  • I delight in what God is doing with my days.
  • I cherish the opportunities He has given me to grow.
  • I desire to use whatever platform He gives to speak life.
  • I enjoy this season.
  • I ache for a new season.
  • I  love adventure and dream of someone to journey alongside.
  • I pray for students and friends whom I am privileged to nurture in the now.
  • I weep for the not-yet of my children whom I long to hear call me mama.

See, there are mysteries within me that will never be solved by anyone other than the Life-giver. There are within me great big wondrous creations and tiny intricate slivers of life. Both light and darkness fill my skin. I am constant motion contained in the stillness of the Maker’s hands. I am a woman.

In the Midst of the Borderlands

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Eric Garner, Mike Brown, Tamir Rice.

Three black men who lost their lives at the hands of white policemen.

I have been so heavy-hearted lately over these stories. The night that the decision in the Mike Brown case was announced, I was up for hours watching live coverage of Ferguson- -heartbroken for the people this decision was directly affecting. Hurting for Mike Brown’s family as the still very tender wound of losing a son was ripped open again in the public eye. Wondering what it must be like for black Americans. Wondering what the grand jury members were feeling and thinking that night. Wondering what the spouses and children of officers must be feeling as they send them out to a city of people who see them as the enemy. Wondering what one is supposed to do in the face of such fear and anger and hurt. Wondering and praying.

Now,  do I have opinions about all of this? Absolutely. Are they well informed opinions? Probably not well-enough informed. Right, wrong, lawful, unlawful, an issue of race or of criminal behavior? These things need to be addressed, but in the proper setting, which this particular blog (and many other blogs, that have attempted anyways) is not.

These are the borderlands of “Bedrocks and Borderlands”. There are foundational truths(bedrocks) that we set ground ourselves in as we navigate the challenging terrain before us (borderlands).  I want to take a look at the bedrock and borderland issues before us.

Bedrocks:

-All people were created in the image of God and are intrinsically valuable as a result.

-God, as the supreme creative One, made people to be different. Different gifts, passions, personalities, skin color.

-People were created to live in perfect unity with one another and with God.

-Sin destroyed that unity.

-Later, human arrogance prompted God to confuse language and the physical divide became greater (the spiritual divide is a far as it will ever be).

-Christ made a way for us to be reconciled to God and one another.

-If we know Christ, we are His ambassadors and are tasked with the ministry of reconciliation.

-Because we live in the space between already being justified, but not yet being fully sanctified, carrying out that ministry is difficult.

–All authority rests on His shoulders.

-All truth belongs to God.

Borderlands:

-There is a racial divide in our country.

-There is an imperfect governing system.

-There are countless news sources feeding us different angles and sometimes different stories all together.

-There is the internet and social media, which means anyone, anywhere can share their opinion with the entire world in seconds.

-There are people that are hurting and terrified on both sides of the wall. 

Now, the question becomes, how do the bedrocks help us navigate the borderlands?

If all people are intrinsically valuable because they are made in the image of God, then how we treat and view people needs to change. It is one thing for someone who doesn’t know Christ to live in the world of division but as Christ-followers, we have no excuse. Christ came to reconcile. He gave us the ministry of reconciliation. If our words and actions are speaking into the division rather than speaking into unity, then we are ignoring the blood of Christ. Arrogance caused the division. And arrogance will continue to divide.

If all authority rests on God’s shoulders, then even in a country where the government is self-seeking, or making choices that we don’t agree with, we can trust God. People are broken (sin, remember?). No President, no Mayor, no officer of the law will ever be able to bring peace. They will never be able to even hold up the law they put in place, much less the laws of God. I can’t. You can’t. None of us can. So, when governments make poor choices, even evil choices, when grand juries make decisions we feel are wrong, when we feel oppressed or afraid because of government, when we do our best to govern rightly and people hate us, we trust God.

When we hear reports on the news, flip the channel and hear a different report, surf the internet and find yet another contradicting story, we don’t believe everything we hear. We don’t trust one news source. If we really want to know the facts, we search for them rather than letting them be spoon fed to us. And when we can’t get to the bottom of things, we thank God that what we can’t figure out, He already knows.

And when we can’t get to the bottom of things, we don’t parade around as though we have. Yes, it is easy to voice our opinions and the world of social media has opened the door for everyone to be a lawyer, journalist, jury, etc. But, just because we CAN share our opinions doesn’t mean we should.

When people are hurting and afraid, what is the proper response? Empathy and compassion. More listening than talking.

I’m not suggesting we compromise truth, but I am suggesting that maybe we don’t have a full enough grasp on the situation at large to fully understand truth. And, I am suggesting that even if we do have a good grasp on truth, it doesn’t excuse us from treating people with dignity. We should be moving toward each other but instead, we are drawing lines in the sand and demanding that people pick sides.

As adults, we have a  responsibility to teach the next generation. I can tell you from my own experience and from observing the experiences of many others, that if the only time parents and adults talk about people who are not like them is in a political context, then what our kids will hear is hate and fear. If we are not intentional about stepping into community with people who look, think, and live differently than us, than our kids will not learn to love. And if we think we don’t have a problem with race, or other differences, then I would suggest that, possibly, it is because we have moved into an area of town where we don’t have to be confronted with it. If that is the case, then it may be that we have a huge problem but have set our lives up in a way where we can ignore our sin rather than deal with it.

Perhaps, rather than weigh in on if the officers were right or wrong, if black communities need to deal with the way they treat each other instead, if people are responding correctly in circumstances, we should listen to understand. Perhaps we should cry with each other. Perhaps we should step into hurting communities ready to help restore. Perhaps we should consider if our faith or our fear is informing our lives.